Picks, Rocks, and Dirty Dishes

Do you ever reflect on trials you have overcome in your life and find yourself proud, almost nostalgic in a masochistic sense, when considering what you did and what you learned from that experience? You find that you responded with strength you didn't know you had that had been hiding out somewhere in your bones. You realize that you handled the turbulence with grace and optimism and somehow ended up a better person instead of the damaged one you expected you would be. Anyone? I know I have been there and have found that I can actually be really resilient and positive in the midst of my personal lion's den (though of course this did not mean I was happy every day and that I mustered this courage without major help from the Lord and from loved ones).

On the other hand, I frequently find myself getting annoyed profoundly when I find a pick in my sweater. I experience somewhat of a nervous breakdown when I have a pile of dirty pans (the not-so-dishwasher safe ones, mind you!). Tonight I stumbled for the 20850345375983240th time on a rock while trail running that I grabbed the nearest stick, screamed [EXPLICIT TERM FOR BOWEL MOVEMENT] and slammed the stick on the ground in front of me. The Earth quaked and the clouds erupted, releasing millions of gallons of Mother Nature's angry tears at the tremendous pain I had caused her. Believe it or not, that didn't actually happen. As a matter of fact, my toddler caliber tantrum did little but make me look like a true blue [donkey] in front of my husband and God and every insect and raccoon in those woods. 

Does anyone else find themselves able to face life's greatest problems with courage and hope while becoming a sopping mess over the tiniest, stupidest little thing? Well, my friend, you are far from alone! I know I do (hence the previous paragraph). Those trigger hair bursts of anger over slow traffic or dropping keys are a great litmus test of deeper frustration, at least for me they are. Those little stressors accumulate like little blobs of toothpaste spit spray on your faucet, barely noticeable at first, becoming a minty crust that mucks up your previously shiny sink. Keep an eye on how those tiny things affect you! If cuss words and tantrums slip out with the ease and frequency of post-Taco Bell farts, there may be something to that. How about complaints, criticism, negativity? These reactions result from ignoring the impact that any stressful situation, grand or tiny, has on you. Quit pushing that crap down or it will bubble right back up to the surface, bursting and smelling far worse than if you had let it go before (that's the last fart joke, I promise!) 

Anyway, that was my thought for today! Today my focus is on catching myself when I want to complain or pout, as well as catching when something small is bothering me and dealing with the problem now rather than ignoring it until it becomes that 20850345375983240th straw that breaks the camel's back. Let those straws be replaced with peace, love, and happiness, man! 

When Fear of Failure Becomes Fear of Even Trying

It took me a ridiculously long time to sit my butt down and start this blog. After writing and posting just a few posts, it took months for me to start it back up. For the past few years, I had spurts of excitement and would come up with all sorts of ideas. In the past few months, those "spurts" became a nearly daily thing. Wouldn't it have made more sense if I had, well, just sat my butt down and started this blog?

As the recovering perfectionist that I confessed to being in prior posts, I have learned to ease up the reigns on myself. The problem is that at times I let myself get too comfortable with contentment. Oh, but then I "relapse", if you will, and suddenly get mad at myself for not being productive, so I get my big ideas going. At this time is around when the perfectionism lashes forward. "Oh, Hannah, you will have to work very, very hard for this to turn out well" or "That post sucks! Delete it and rewrite it now". Sometimes it is as simple as "is that really the best thing you could be writing about?" That is all I need to scare myself out of sitting down and writing.

When I was in high school, I always thought it would be cool to try theater. We had a great program at our school. I also happened to love goofing off and doing skit acting, as well as practicing my own little monologues expressing my pursuit of valor in my arguing of politics when I was home alone. I can be pretty dramatic, that's for sure! Notice the bus stops at the word "thought". I never did theater. In fact, I never even auditioned. Why? I was so afraid of not getting the part I wanted or even a part at all that I never bothered to audition.

Now, I don't lose sleep over it, but that was a little regret of mine. I ended up doing a small play in college for one of my friends who was in a directing class and I had a blast! It was about 10 minutes long and I was a bratty teenager and I loved it! Another friend of mine is really into film-making and I was, again, a teenager (a skanky one) with about 10 lines, and the protagonist in another film (not skanky). I loved it! Now I drive him crazy about wanting more parts in his movies. And to think, I could have gotten my start into not-so-professional acting at a younger age, if I had not been so afraid of even trying.

What did that have to do with the first paragraph? Some stuff, that's what! I jump around a lot, ultimately to drive my point home. I tell that story as an example of something I'm sure you can relate to in some way. Some people can faceplant on the floor of their very dreams and hop right up and carry on, but the less fortunate of us lay still for a minute.. Or a year, and hope everyone thinks we just kind of died so they don't have to make weird eye contact or suppress laughter any long. If you are a "lay there" person like me, I want to urge you to keep on going, keep on trying. I have to choose daily to either stay put where I'm comfortable or to dare to try things I might fail at. This post is an example of the latter choice, I am happy to say. Big things await you when you do! You've all heard about Abe Lincoln, J.K. Rowling (my hero), Michael Jordan, Oprah, Thomas Edison AND Nikola Tesla (ooh I put both men in that same sentence!). You even have the Trix rabbit as a prime example. If he had stopped at hearing "Trix are for kids" the first time around, we would have only had one commercial that made us a little sad. All of these people (except that poor, fictional rabbit) are now tremendous examples of success. Yeah, that's a cliched message to tell, but we forget it enough to where it's okay to repeat from time to time.

Go apply for that job you might be underqualified for. Train for that half marathon regardless of having been the kid that "got sick" every day in P.E. Move to New York and become the next Coco Chanel (but please get a source of income for that rent!). Open the prairie dog farm of your dreams! Better yet, do whatever the crap you want to do! Let yourself fall on your butt! Pick yourself up and saddle back up! If some idiot keeps reminding you that you failed despite your other victories, kick him or her to the curb! I don't care if it's your firstborn, if that kid's at least 18, do it! The company we keep will either help us pick ourselves up or will gladly hold our face down in the mud and laugh as we gurgle.

I know it isn't always that easy. Like I said, three years and a few months of obsession to get me blogging. That is why I wrote this. I am volunteering myself as your cheerleading squad. Go do neat things! Don't let yourself get so consumed by fear of failure that it becomes fear of trying.

Life Lessons from Doug

I recently booted up my PS3 (yeah, I'll pretend it isn't used nearly every day :I ) and got on Amazon Instant Video using my Dad's Prime account. He was generous enough to let my husband and I mooch off of it! So, what do you do when you have a new playground packed full with all sorts of random movies and shows? Go crazy of course! Being a couple who has nearly exhausted Netflix… well, at least Friends episodes, we are pretty excited. On a Friday night, I am extra exuberant about the choices. Instead of scrolling through the movies and the fairly new TV shows, I hit the little green triangle button and headed toward the search engine.

For anyone who knows me pretty well, I didn't search something targeted at a 24-year-old woman. No, no, instead I searched for… DOUG! You know, Doug, the very large nosed middle schooler with colorful friends, a vivid imagination, and a really intelligent dog! I loved Doug growing up, and that love never went away. In fact, I am currently watching it as I type this post. I shamelessly tell people I still watch 90s cartoons. I watched way too much Pepper Ann in college, along with some Spongebob and, um, Beavis and Butthead when I needed to empty my head in preparation for a cram session. My season one DVD of Hey, Arnold has genuinely gotten me through really tough times. There are a lot of others that I still love (Rugrats and As Told By Ginger, anyone?!). I was always a Nickelodeon chick myself but Disney had a lot of great ones too. I just tended to prefer the cartoons over those "real people shows", don't ask me why! Sad? Nah… there is a lot of value in the nostalgia.

When I watch these shows I remember being a kid, and simpler times. That is the immediate thing anyone should feel I suppose. I did notice the second time around though, that these shows are so incredibly relatable. Take Doug for instance; he is a fairly insecure kid. He has a loving family and several friends but he deals with plenty of times when he is pretty unsure of himself. One that hit me is the episode where he sees all of his friends going to Roger's house, but he wasn't invited. He then proceeds to daydream about Roger Klotzenstein (probably butchered that) hypnotizing all of Doug's pals to where they all just keep calling him a loser. Okay, it's a cartoon, but YOUCH! I can relate to that! I used to always worry that people didn't like me. I figured if I was as nice as could be to everybody that they wouldn't have justification in not liking me. Thankfully I came out of that a lot, with a little help from my friends (heard that song in the car yesterday, and I seriously think it was the first time I ever genuinely just heard it playing on the radio and not someone singing or referencing it! Anyway…) I grew into my confidence, but I still have those times. That is when I have to remind myself of all of the good things I do and the strengths I have as a person. So what if I'm awkward and laugh when I talk about most things? So what if I pursue the same entertainment I did when I was about 8 years old?! WhatEVER! We all know that people's opinions should never define us, but it can be easy to cross the line between promoting peaceful coexistence and depending on approval of others to feel like a decent person.

Oh yeah, and that episode I mentioned about Doug's friends all meeting up without him? Doug confronts Roger, only to discover that they all planned a surprise party to celebrate his living in Bluffington for one year that day. Even Roger actively celebrated with him ("yeah, yeah, it's not like we're getting married!"). Would you believe me if I told you that episode made me cry today?
It didn't, actually, but the more I think about it, the more it tugs at my heartstrings. Guys, there are people out there that love you and think you're great. There are more people who would love you and think you're great if they knew you. There are also scumbags who either don't give you a chance or play mindgames as they slowly snack on your social confidence. If somebody is in your life that makes you feel like a burden, or annoying, or simply less than awesome, kick 'em to the curb! Cut your very miniscule loss and go! I see too many people, ADULTS, suffer at the hands of crappy friends who insidiously hold their victims down with backhanded "jokes", unnecessary competition, and criticisms that they have no merit in really giving. I used to have friends like that… those friends are no longer my friends. They are acquaintances at absolute best. People who pick at my every flaw and mistake for their own amusement or some little high of being the one who "caught me" can go take a hike somewhere that isn't pretty and involves plenty of uphill switchbacks!

Hmm, this post was going to be about how today's kid's TV shows aren't near as awesome as older TV shows have been. I was going to gripe about how today's TV shows are about 80% IWANNABEAFAMOUSPERSON and 20% "nah, not me man, I'll make music with this blunt instead… (ahem, Cartoon Network). Hey, no problem, there are some good ones out there, but how relatable is that? I personally did not like the ones about being famous, since they made me feel just a little under accomplished as I finished my long division and downed my bag of Doritos. Maybe I should just leave that thought at that, before it turns into an analysis on whether this contributes to the douchy culture we see in some kids now or whether this is an act of *gasp* the Illuminati! Who knows, right? (kidding) I don't watch those shows. Those are for kids. I will take my big kid 90's shows and watch them elsewhere!

Go watch your childhood favorite! Or better yet, watch one you weren't allowed to watch when you were a kid, like The Simpsons or Ren and Stimpy (my dad didn't just let us watch that one; he watched it with us!) My Doug bingeing is about to continue. Happy Friday!

Getting comfortable with uncomfortable

                                                                                                   
                                                                              At Fontana Dam, the starting point of our adventure...

I had a really awesome time this week. Kyrk and I haven't had much of a getaway since our honeymoon (except the occasional weekend run to anywhere more interesting than where we live), so it was really nice to have a little vacation. We went down to the Great Smoky Mountains area for a little bit of hiking and camping. Well, let's just say I underestimated our endeavor until I was about 2 miles in too deep for any form of escape that wouldn't involve tumbling down a mountain and meeting some form of dying. Not really; I knew it would be a challenge, and I think I was pretty prepared for it. What I was not prepared for was being oppressed by droves of atrocious flying and biting demon gnats that would have made Genghis Khan cry like a baby. What I expected but was not necessarily prepared for were the many instances where I was wrestling my mind as I walked. 

Our backpacking adventure involved hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Kyrk took a week from work so he could complete the entire Smoky Mountain section to the AT, which is 71 miles. I wasn't able to get the whole week, as I just started a new job about three months ago and didn't have much time yet, but I got enough to be able to dedicate the weekend, Monday, and Tuesday toward hiking the first 41 miles (from Fontana Dam to Newfound Gap), with Tuesday night and Wednesday morning to rest and enjoy the beautiful reality that hotels have *showers*! Thank goodness for that, I was 50 shades of STANKY! Anyway, the mileage wasn't sounding too bad to me, because I have backpacked before. The thing I was a little nervous about is that I had never backpacked more than two days straight. I was incredibly excited to be going further than just one night of camping in between, but I knew it would not be easy. Well, ladies and gents, it wasn't easy. It wasn't horrible by any means, but there were a lot of times when I was struggling, stumbling on rocks, feeling guilty for slowing Kyrk down (he never indicated this, but I knew when I was shuffling my feet at times), wanting more water, wanting less uphills, wanting less steep downhills, and fighting the urge to eat every trace of my food so I wouldn't have to carry it on my back! I revisited a habit that is seemingly benign but can really serve to unravel one's happiness and can create a miserable experience for others; the complaining rumbled out full force. I didn't whine and cry the entire way but the desire to gripe my sorrows away (yeah, poor me, right?) built quite a bit on those steep climbs. It was like those obnoxious urges to cough that hit you at their hardest when you are in a quiet room that needs to stay quiet for whatever reason. You swallow 100 times a minute, you clear your throat, you eat cough drops like candy, and guzzle water, but they DON'T GO AWAY. It seems the more you try to hold them in or try to pinch a tiny cough out for relief, the louder and stronger the coughing fit ends up being. That's about how the desire to complain felt. I would try to distract myself, eat, take Ibuprofen for my aching feet (okay, that actually helped tremendously) but the discomfort stayed on my mind as I walked. Guys, I wasn't wincing in pain with every step. I wasn't dying on the whole thing. I am actually pretty tolerant to pushing myself physically. It's just that it can get to a point where it is difficult to ignore. It is when it starts to get really, really uncomfortable.

I don't know many people who love being uncomfortable, but I can tell you that I am absolutely not one of them. I don't always do well with it. I can be pretty resilient with some things, but awkward, nagging discomfort is something that is hard for me to quiet down in my mind. If I'm a little uncomfortable, whether it involves being too hot, getting a leg cramp in the car, or having a wedgie while hostessing a friend's bridal tea, it becomes a quick obsession. Forget compartmentalizing thoughts; the littlest tickle of dryness in my throats precedes a desperate quest to find myself the nearest drinking fountain. I may be weird, or this may be normal. Who knows? I think it's pretty normal but I still hate when I let discomfort consume me. It seems to be the ultimate first world problem, to where we are so used to having every demand met that we are aside from ourselves if one of our needs or stupid wants has to be put off for a bit. What's my point with this? I let myself be obsessed with my discomfort on the trail. I didn't have a meltdown when it got hot outside or when bugs bit really, but when my feet began hurting on the trail or whenever I would stumble on way too many rocks in a row, I found myself getting obsessed with annoyance. It threatened to steal the joy in my experience. It threatened to turn me into a whiney brat in hopes of somehow relieving the torment of my not-broken-in-enough Merrell's. Most concerning of all, it threatened to make me want to quit moving and to not savor every moment of the beautiful hike. I am not proud to say that I let it steal away some of the experience. I let it bring me to whining and I let it distract me and almost let it defeat me. Here is where I will give myself some credit, as well as Kyrk who was incredibly encouraging along the way; I did not give up but instead did what I could to adapt to the discomfort. I got comfortable with the uncomfortable. And with that being said, the uncomfortable was worth every single second of everyone I got to meet and everything I got to see.

Taken from Clingman's Dome - the AT's highest point

                                                I was seriously obsessed with these flowers!

We crunched through fallen leaves. We breathed in the freshest of air. We climbed the summits of several mountains (including the famous Rocky Top, Thunderhead Mountain, and Clingman's Dome!). We drank amazing water from mountainside springs. We saw hawks with sunlight permeating their wings and tiny chipmunks' acrobatics. We walked through fields completely consumed with white flowers that smiled at us during the day and closed back into tiny bulbs at night. 

Dat ain't no snow!

Our climb to Thunderhead Mountain!

Standing on the very top of Rocky Top!

                                                                        That poor, poor headband...

We met all sorts of wonderful people from all walks of life and all ages and spent several fun nights camping with them, savoring the warmth of a fire as we watched the sky slowly fade to black. We ate wild ramps off of the mountain tops and were kissed by breezes as we gazed around and saw mountains upon mountains with a backdrop of famous Smoky blue haze. We somehow rolled out of our sleeping bags at 5 a.m. and climbed to the highest point on the AT as we watched the sky transform with shades of pink, purple, and orange. We watched terrain change about five times a day, some parts looking as if they came right from a Brothers Grimm fairytale. We felt ourselves get stronger as our packs got lighter. We slept deeply, blanketed by the satisfaction of having earned it with a hard day's work. We learned a new appreciation for instant potatoes and dried banana chips. We felt the warmth of the powerful sun on our faces. We were able to look behind ourselves after a grueling climb and see exactly what we had conquered, as far as even being able to see from what looked like hundreds of miles away (obviously not, as we didn't hike anywhere near hundreds!) the tiny blip of a lake that marked our starting point. We grew closer through the trip and felt even deeper love for each other than we already shared before. We felt the power, the beauty, and the love of God in every single moment, having walked right through a glimmer of Heaven that He has left for us to enjoy while we are on our temporary home. 

I gained a toughness in my mind that I needed to gain, and my thirst for experiencing the world grew at a rate beyond words. 

I would have never seen those things, and met those people, and felt so truly alive, if I had let myself capsize under the weight of discomfort. It has made me aware of what else is out there that I shy away from in fear of leaving my comfort zone. It has also made me aware that I may be missing many blessings and lessons when I let myself have a pity party about my life. Quite frankly, I am facing some discomfort in my life. We all are. The grand tragedies and pitfalls in our lives are obviously highly impacting to our well-beings, for better or worse, but the way we choose to respond to what unsettles us can truly make or break us in how we see and experience life. Don't let the uncomfortable stop you if you can help it. Instead, let yourself get comfortable with the uncomfortable, for it keeps us moving, and it keeps us really experiencing life.

Ever feel like you haven't experienced enough?

From time to time, when I take on my alternate form as a couch blob, I start to feel bad about it. As I sit there, being a blob and all, the all-to-familiar "am I making the most of my time?" crap fills my head like when you smell a poop smell and still feel like you are smelling it hours later. (I know I'm not the only one.. It's like the hippocampus of my brain decides to troll me the rest of the day by constantly reminding me of the smell of the cat's butt near my nose when I woke up that morning, now there's a true story :/ ) Anyway, I have times when I think not only that I should be being more productive in my time, but that I should be gaining more experiences with my free time. Does that make sense? I find myself thinking about how I should be playing outside more often or how I should be doing more things with my friends. I get wanderlust that evolves into urgency to see as many corners of the world as I possibly can, and fast. But why am I feeling that way? Do you ever find yourself doing that? I'd say it's a general sense of urgency that many people share, to get as much life crammed into our days as possible. The pressure is exacerbated by our social media. We see people studying abroad, going to concerts and sporting events seemingly every weekend, playing with animals, and completing the Pacific Crest. We see the highlights of everybody's day on Facebook and Instagram. Only a few particularly honest sharers will put stuff about the mundane experiences (albeit some might share a little tooo much mundane! ). This is not an effort on my part to slam social media, nor do I want to regurgitate old hat conversation about how people "just put the good stuff" on social media. I do believe, however, that it is worth mentioning, as it is very easy to forget that perspective. Many writers and bloggers have shared their thoughts on social media and how the natural tendency for people to post all of their positive stuff does indeed have an effect on those constantly seeing the posts. People who are spending their weekend cuddling with the dog at home are bound to feel a little lonelier after seeing tons of photos of casual acquaintances crammed into an iphone frame. The person who works data entry notices entries people share about the meaningful experiences they are having with their students/clients/patients and may feel a bit demoralized about it. The student who is working all through summer to pay off a bit of that infernal student loan sees the former classmate backpacking through Europe and feels a little stunted. You get the picture. You may have been there. You may also be the one posting the great stuff. I do it too, and I am not saying we shouldn't! What I am saying though is to remember all of the boring stuff that you are not reading on the news feed, and to remember your highlight moments that you have experienced.

I have to tell myself this often. For a while I stopped getting on my Facebook and Instagram, because it was genuinely making me depressed. I was between jobs, suffering major cabin fever back in the winter, and wanting to cry and puke every time I saw somebody talk about his dream job or about her trip to Florida (I WANTED TO GO TO FLORIDA BUT HAD TO FIND A DANG JOB!). I started getting back on again, but learned moderation and to remember that I am seeing a projection of the positives and not the grand picture. I didn't see the drama that took place before the photo or the delayed flight after the trip to the Grand Canyon. I wasn't witnessing the kid that had a full meltdown and threw her book at her teacher after her teacher bragged on her sweet class, nor do I see the deep marriage problems building behind the gushy posts about the flowers received (#blessed!). I'm really not trying to be snarky, but it is usually more often true than not.

After scrolling around and seeing some examples of this, I felt like taking a stroll down memory lane and started looking through old pictures I have been tagged in or posted. That is when I realized that "Wow, I have lived a lot of life". That I have. I looked at pictures of numerous camping trips, of me and my husband forging knives, to pictures from my missions trip out West that I spent with amazing people. I saw pictures of myself with a variety of people; friends, acquaintances, and my loving family. I saw little chronicles of my many blessings all in a stream on my Facebook. I also remembered harder times that lingered between each photo, but the happy experiences maintained prominence until the gaps seemed to vanish.

You may not have as many "bucket list worthy" memories, nor a lot of friends or family, or you may have more positive moments in your life so far than most people ever hope to see in their entire lifetimes. Either way, there are treasures to find. Your day-to-day living is not in vain. As long as you are moving toward something greater than yourself and you are doing your best to love your loved ones and to adapt after your pitfalls, you are doing what you need to do. In your life right now, you are exactly where you need to be. You are a work in progress, a work that will not be finished until you are finished with this life. If you love God, this scripture may be particularly meaningful to you:

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." - Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

I hate the phrase "everything happens for a reason" (why? Another day, another post), but I do firmly believe instead that as things happen (by our free will or as  result of another's), and we want Him to and let Him, God takes those things and orchestrates them for His purpose and glory. Every moment, whether good, bad, ugly, or just plain dull has meaning and purpose to it. To reference another verse:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28 (NIV)

There are many more affirming verses where that came from. God uses every puzzle piece of our lives to create a masterpiece for His glory. While some parts may feel far too dark to qualify in that endeavor, those undertones allow the brilliance of the high points of your life to glow brighter. You are exactly where you need to be. If you are a child of God and you have allowed Jesus Christ into your life, your life is being guided by Someone greater and will be utilized to the fullest as He refines everything you allow Him to work in. If you are not a follower of Christ, you are not left out of this; your life still has so much value and importance. I want to fully believe that you know that, but just in case, I want to reiterate it anyway: you, as well, are enough, and your life counts. The boring and the thrilling is all important. Remember that when you are sitting at work, wishing your life away until that promotion opportunity comes, or watching as much TV as possible until "the one" comes along. We all have milestones we are eager to get to, and we all want to fill every moment with meaning, but the times of waiting and being ultimately allow for the fullness of life to really shine brightly!

That awkward beginning post

I finally did it. I decided to reboot my Blogger account and make a new blog. What do I write about? Sports? Fashion? Consumer Finance? Cats? Tiramisu lattes?! I only have, well, virtually no working knowledge about any of those things except for a borderline unhealthy knowledge of cats.

Anyway, I finally realized that my blog doesn’t have to be about anything in particular, nor does it have to be for anyone in particular. With that being said, I figure that a blog about my story and things I have learned may be a good direction to take. No, I don't want it to be an uninspiring outlet for my raging, rabid narcissism (if it starts looking that way, slap me. Hard!) Instead I want to share my story because it matters to me and it may end up being helpful and encouraging to somebody else. We all have those insights to share and offer to others. When we share those experiences, they are transformed into something new and something greater than ourselves. This life is difficult, and anybody over the age of 2 understands that (then again, some babies' lives seem to end after receiving the wrong sippy cup), so who doesn't get just a little excited about the chance to encourage another person as he or she faces the situation that you are also in process of overcoming? This blog is going to be an outlet for me to share my story to keep myself accountable to keep writing despite what others think about it, or despite how "good" I am at it.

I have experienced many blessings and victories…
I have also trudged through losses and pitfalls.
I have climbed to the heights of the world a few times,
But then have crawled through rock bottom, dark pits of existence.

I'm sure we've all been there at some point. Only a few people in this world have never experienced sorrow, and not many have gone without ever experiencing joy, thankfully.

In some of my toughest times, I have been tempted to just, literally and figuratively, curl up in a little ball and just lay there. While I have never been at a place of wanting to give up completely, thank God, I have gotten very burned out on many things, like keeping up with the fast-paced 21st century, maintaining the impossibly high standards I have held for myself before, living as a follower of Christ, and in my struggles with anxiety that have flared up from time to time through my life.

Instead, though, it finally clicked for me. I can't just give up. It's not the end of the world if I have a setback. I don't have to navigate life in a "perfect" way, or even a normal way. Despite telling myself that I never had to conform to society's expectations, I did anyway. Despite being taught and telling myself that I did not need to change myself to please others, I did anyway. I still struggle with that one. Every. Single. Day. It now know that it is okay to make mistakes, to fail. It's okay to be selfish and lazy and weird. It is okay for me to ramble on about how I REALLY feel! It is okay to find myself at a place of despair or fear of facing the next day. What I learned instead is that no matter what speed or how, the key is to just keep moving. To keep  "[running] with endurance the race that is set before [me]" (derived from Hebrews 12:1).

I have never been good at naming things. When I wrote papers, the title was usually the last thing to come to fruition. My stuffed animals had generic names (my favorite is "Pink Pig"… any wild guesses as to what animal and color it was?), our cats that I helped name had cliched names. If I have a kid someday, his or her name will probably end up being Kid, or maybe "Spawn". So, naturally, coming up with a name for this blog was the ultimate conundrum. Finally I thought of one that still isn't very original, but I think it explains my purpose in this blog enough.

Like the simple name, my blog has a simple objective. I want to share my story with you, and I hope you will share your story with me. I want to hold myself accountable through this blog that the value of this life is in the journey, not the destination. It is when we allow ourselves to really live in the present moment that we find the greatest joys in life. It is where we experience God's nearness, where we feel rays of sunlight on our faces and inhale the aroma of that coffee. It is when we notice the elderly couple holding hands and the beautiful wildflowers that appear in April and seem to vanish in the blink of an eye. Being aware of who we are and what we can do with the day in front of us is what brings forth life's harvest. As a person who often obsesses over the future and worries about how I could have handled yesterday's woes in a better way rather than learning to trust God as the navigator in my life, I need this reminder daily. Instead of plotting every step and running so quickly toward milestones that I don't take in the scenery, I hope to live each day free from my anxiety and with confidence in who I am as a person. I elect to take life as it happens and to just keep on moving along in whatever direction God takes me. I hope you will join me in this metaphoric roadtrip as I share things I've learned, break through chains of fear and insecurity, explore this world, create new things and work toward a life that hopefully mimics Jesus as much as possible. Let's never rush life away, but instead use each day to the fullest in promoting a greater world for each and every one of its inhabitants! This world needs as much glimmers of hope added to it as possible, this we know! This is my journey, and a place where I will be sharing my experiences as they happen. It won't be heavily planned out, just kind of hitting the keyboard whenever I feel it may be helpful or encouraging. Check it out if you want, or just skip over it. No problems, no qualms! Just know that it's here if you feel like reading some musings about life as we keep moving through it!