Ever feel like you haven't experienced enough?

From time to time, when I take on my alternate form as a couch blob, I start to feel bad about it. As I sit there, being a blob and all, the all-to-familiar "am I making the most of my time?" crap fills my head like when you smell a poop smell and still feel like you are smelling it hours later. (I know I'm not the only one.. It's like the hippocampus of my brain decides to troll me the rest of the day by constantly reminding me of the smell of the cat's butt near my nose when I woke up that morning, now there's a true story :/ ) Anyway, I have times when I think not only that I should be being more productive in my time, but that I should be gaining more experiences with my free time. Does that make sense? I find myself thinking about how I should be playing outside more often or how I should be doing more things with my friends. I get wanderlust that evolves into urgency to see as many corners of the world as I possibly can, and fast. But why am I feeling that way? Do you ever find yourself doing that? I'd say it's a general sense of urgency that many people share, to get as much life crammed into our days as possible. The pressure is exacerbated by our social media. We see people studying abroad, going to concerts and sporting events seemingly every weekend, playing with animals, and completing the Pacific Crest. We see the highlights of everybody's day on Facebook and Instagram. Only a few particularly honest sharers will put stuff about the mundane experiences (albeit some might share a little tooo much mundane! ). This is not an effort on my part to slam social media, nor do I want to regurgitate old hat conversation about how people "just put the good stuff" on social media. I do believe, however, that it is worth mentioning, as it is very easy to forget that perspective. Many writers and bloggers have shared their thoughts on social media and how the natural tendency for people to post all of their positive stuff does indeed have an effect on those constantly seeing the posts. People who are spending their weekend cuddling with the dog at home are bound to feel a little lonelier after seeing tons of photos of casual acquaintances crammed into an iphone frame. The person who works data entry notices entries people share about the meaningful experiences they are having with their students/clients/patients and may feel a bit demoralized about it. The student who is working all through summer to pay off a bit of that infernal student loan sees the former classmate backpacking through Europe and feels a little stunted. You get the picture. You may have been there. You may also be the one posting the great stuff. I do it too, and I am not saying we shouldn't! What I am saying though is to remember all of the boring stuff that you are not reading on the news feed, and to remember your highlight moments that you have experienced.

I have to tell myself this often. For a while I stopped getting on my Facebook and Instagram, because it was genuinely making me depressed. I was between jobs, suffering major cabin fever back in the winter, and wanting to cry and puke every time I saw somebody talk about his dream job or about her trip to Florida (I WANTED TO GO TO FLORIDA BUT HAD TO FIND A DANG JOB!). I started getting back on again, but learned moderation and to remember that I am seeing a projection of the positives and not the grand picture. I didn't see the drama that took place before the photo or the delayed flight after the trip to the Grand Canyon. I wasn't witnessing the kid that had a full meltdown and threw her book at her teacher after her teacher bragged on her sweet class, nor do I see the deep marriage problems building behind the gushy posts about the flowers received (#blessed!). I'm really not trying to be snarky, but it is usually more often true than not.

After scrolling around and seeing some examples of this, I felt like taking a stroll down memory lane and started looking through old pictures I have been tagged in or posted. That is when I realized that "Wow, I have lived a lot of life". That I have. I looked at pictures of numerous camping trips, of me and my husband forging knives, to pictures from my missions trip out West that I spent with amazing people. I saw pictures of myself with a variety of people; friends, acquaintances, and my loving family. I saw little chronicles of my many blessings all in a stream on my Facebook. I also remembered harder times that lingered between each photo, but the happy experiences maintained prominence until the gaps seemed to vanish.

You may not have as many "bucket list worthy" memories, nor a lot of friends or family, or you may have more positive moments in your life so far than most people ever hope to see in their entire lifetimes. Either way, there are treasures to find. Your day-to-day living is not in vain. As long as you are moving toward something greater than yourself and you are doing your best to love your loved ones and to adapt after your pitfalls, you are doing what you need to do. In your life right now, you are exactly where you need to be. You are a work in progress, a work that will not be finished until you are finished with this life. If you love God, this scripture may be particularly meaningful to you:

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." - Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

I hate the phrase "everything happens for a reason" (why? Another day, another post), but I do firmly believe instead that as things happen (by our free will or as  result of another's), and we want Him to and let Him, God takes those things and orchestrates them for His purpose and glory. Every moment, whether good, bad, ugly, or just plain dull has meaning and purpose to it. To reference another verse:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28 (NIV)

There are many more affirming verses where that came from. God uses every puzzle piece of our lives to create a masterpiece for His glory. While some parts may feel far too dark to qualify in that endeavor, those undertones allow the brilliance of the high points of your life to glow brighter. You are exactly where you need to be. If you are a child of God and you have allowed Jesus Christ into your life, your life is being guided by Someone greater and will be utilized to the fullest as He refines everything you allow Him to work in. If you are not a follower of Christ, you are not left out of this; your life still has so much value and importance. I want to fully believe that you know that, but just in case, I want to reiterate it anyway: you, as well, are enough, and your life counts. The boring and the thrilling is all important. Remember that when you are sitting at work, wishing your life away until that promotion opportunity comes, or watching as much TV as possible until "the one" comes along. We all have milestones we are eager to get to, and we all want to fill every moment with meaning, but the times of waiting and being ultimately allow for the fullness of life to really shine brightly!

That awkward beginning post

I finally did it. I decided to reboot my Blogger account and make a new blog. What do I write about? Sports? Fashion? Consumer Finance? Cats? Tiramisu lattes?! I only have, well, virtually no working knowledge about any of those things except for a borderline unhealthy knowledge of cats.

Anyway, I finally realized that my blog doesn’t have to be about anything in particular, nor does it have to be for anyone in particular. With that being said, I figure that a blog about my story and things I have learned may be a good direction to take. No, I don't want it to be an uninspiring outlet for my raging, rabid narcissism (if it starts looking that way, slap me. Hard!) Instead I want to share my story because it matters to me and it may end up being helpful and encouraging to somebody else. We all have those insights to share and offer to others. When we share those experiences, they are transformed into something new and something greater than ourselves. This life is difficult, and anybody over the age of 2 understands that (then again, some babies' lives seem to end after receiving the wrong sippy cup), so who doesn't get just a little excited about the chance to encourage another person as he or she faces the situation that you are also in process of overcoming? This blog is going to be an outlet for me to share my story to keep myself accountable to keep writing despite what others think about it, or despite how "good" I am at it.

I have experienced many blessings and victories…
I have also trudged through losses and pitfalls.
I have climbed to the heights of the world a few times,
But then have crawled through rock bottom, dark pits of existence.

I'm sure we've all been there at some point. Only a few people in this world have never experienced sorrow, and not many have gone without ever experiencing joy, thankfully.

In some of my toughest times, I have been tempted to just, literally and figuratively, curl up in a little ball and just lay there. While I have never been at a place of wanting to give up completely, thank God, I have gotten very burned out on many things, like keeping up with the fast-paced 21st century, maintaining the impossibly high standards I have held for myself before, living as a follower of Christ, and in my struggles with anxiety that have flared up from time to time through my life.

Instead, though, it finally clicked for me. I can't just give up. It's not the end of the world if I have a setback. I don't have to navigate life in a "perfect" way, or even a normal way. Despite telling myself that I never had to conform to society's expectations, I did anyway. Despite being taught and telling myself that I did not need to change myself to please others, I did anyway. I still struggle with that one. Every. Single. Day. It now know that it is okay to make mistakes, to fail. It's okay to be selfish and lazy and weird. It is okay for me to ramble on about how I REALLY feel! It is okay to find myself at a place of despair or fear of facing the next day. What I learned instead is that no matter what speed or how, the key is to just keep moving. To keep  "[running] with endurance the race that is set before [me]" (derived from Hebrews 12:1).

I have never been good at naming things. When I wrote papers, the title was usually the last thing to come to fruition. My stuffed animals had generic names (my favorite is "Pink Pig"… any wild guesses as to what animal and color it was?), our cats that I helped name had cliched names. If I have a kid someday, his or her name will probably end up being Kid, or maybe "Spawn". So, naturally, coming up with a name for this blog was the ultimate conundrum. Finally I thought of one that still isn't very original, but I think it explains my purpose in this blog enough.

Like the simple name, my blog has a simple objective. I want to share my story with you, and I hope you will share your story with me. I want to hold myself accountable through this blog that the value of this life is in the journey, not the destination. It is when we allow ourselves to really live in the present moment that we find the greatest joys in life. It is where we experience God's nearness, where we feel rays of sunlight on our faces and inhale the aroma of that coffee. It is when we notice the elderly couple holding hands and the beautiful wildflowers that appear in April and seem to vanish in the blink of an eye. Being aware of who we are and what we can do with the day in front of us is what brings forth life's harvest. As a person who often obsesses over the future and worries about how I could have handled yesterday's woes in a better way rather than learning to trust God as the navigator in my life, I need this reminder daily. Instead of plotting every step and running so quickly toward milestones that I don't take in the scenery, I hope to live each day free from my anxiety and with confidence in who I am as a person. I elect to take life as it happens and to just keep on moving along in whatever direction God takes me. I hope you will join me in this metaphoric roadtrip as I share things I've learned, break through chains of fear and insecurity, explore this world, create new things and work toward a life that hopefully mimics Jesus as much as possible. Let's never rush life away, but instead use each day to the fullest in promoting a greater world for each and every one of its inhabitants! This world needs as much glimmers of hope added to it as possible, this we know! This is my journey, and a place where I will be sharing my experiences as they happen. It won't be heavily planned out, just kind of hitting the keyboard whenever I feel it may be helpful or encouraging. Check it out if you want, or just skip over it. No problems, no qualms! Just know that it's here if you feel like reading some musings about life as we keep moving through it!